Revocation of Independence

> To the citizens of the United States of America,
>
> In the light of your failure to elect a suitable President of the USA and
> thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your
> independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will
> resume monarchial duties over all states, commonwealths and other
> territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister
> (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until
> now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a
> minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and
> the Senate will be disbanded.
>
> A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you
> noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the
> following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
>
> 1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then
> look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at
> just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be
> reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter
> 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to
> spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. You will end your love
> affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix "ize"
> will be replaced by the suffix "ise".
>
> You will learn that the suffix 'burgh is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh.
> You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with
> correct pronunciation..
>
> Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up
> "vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler
> noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form
> of communication. Look up "interspersed". There will be no more 'bleeps' in
> the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language
> then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your
> vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language as often.
>
> 2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on
> your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of
> the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize".
>
> 3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It
> really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to Cockney,
> upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to
> learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as "Taggart"
> will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're talking about
> regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in
> England. The name of the county is "Devon". If you persist in calling it
> Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g.Texasshire,
> Floridashire, Louisianashire.
>
> 4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the
> good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English
> characters. British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf"
> will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who
> can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.
>
> 5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen",
> but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get
> confused and give up half way through.
>
> 6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of
> football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game.
> The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders
> may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no
> longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football.
> Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult
> game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby
> (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for
> a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like
> nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by
> 2005. You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an
> event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of
> America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond
> your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be
> allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders" which is baseball without
> fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.
>
> 7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if
> they give you any merde. The 97.85% of you who were not aware that there is
> a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians
> have never been the bad guys. "Merde" is French for "5hit". You will no
> longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own
> or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because
> we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous
> items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in
> public.
>
> 8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new
> national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".
>
> 9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your
> own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
> All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start
> driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go
> metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables.
>
> Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of
> humour.
>
> 10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries
> are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though 97.85%
> of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not
> aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato
> chips are properly called "crisps". Real chips are thick cut and fried in
> animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be
> served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with
> customers.
>
> 11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all
> tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be
> doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.
>
> 12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually
> beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter
> will be referred to as "beer", and European brews of known and accepted
> provenance will be referred to as "Lager". The substances formerly known as
> "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Knat's
> Urine", with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company
> whose product will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Knat's Urine". This
> will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in
> Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.
>
> 13. From November 1st the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline" as you
> will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1, 2005) prices with the
> former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and
> the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon
> - get used to it).
>
> 14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers
> or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows
> that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled
> by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing
> someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle
> a gun.

> Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to
ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

> Thank you for your cooperation.